I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence Wife: there's a mad scramble to prepare for the unknown before each and every absence…
Preface:
Welcome to part 4 of my 10 part series: “I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence wife!” {you can find part 1, 2 & 3 here!} These 10 huge adjustments of each year in the life of a Defence wife and Military mama massively caught me off guard in my first year of Defence wife life. I didn't expect to find some of these moments so emotional, so overwhelming, so exhausting or so difficult to navigate {click here for my family's military backstory!}.
I'm writing this to past me and all the women like me who will make the transition in years to come; the young wives, the new mamas, the young women whose loved one joins the Defence Force and whose lives are about to turn upside down for the first - but definitely not last - time. This is what I didn't have anyone to tell me about before I began my first year of ADF Army wife life … I hope it helps you feel just a little more at ease about the changes to come!
I'm not going to lie; I kind of thought that a few years into this military wife lifestyle, I'd have it all figured out. I'd have my act together, be on top of my game and we'd cruise through my husband's frequent absences. I'm beginning to realise though, that this is the type of life that you could live for 25 years and still feel as though you're being held together by chocolate and strapping tape; just being pitched one curveball after another and praying you’ll survive the ride!
I've learned in my short time as an army wife and mama though, that some things just come with the territory. Saying goodbye becomes second nature and the lead-up to long separation always equals: juggling the logistics of family life, preparing the kids for all the emotions to come and navigating my own quiet fears while holding down the fort.
If you're an Army wife too (or are about to be) and need a little reassurance that the crazy is real - and it's not just you! - or, if you're a civilian and curious about life on the homefront; this glimpse into my life is for you…
I remember our first full time year of Australian Defence life and just how woefully unprepared I was for the plethora of chaotic events that would unfold in my husband's absence (a.k.a Murphy's law of military life: anything that can go wrong while your serving member is completely inaccessible… WILL go wrong).
By the end of that first year, with its multiple separations - I came to the realisation that three things will inevitably happen each and every time my husband is away:
An essential appliance will blow up
&
An insect or rodent infestation will occur
&
A child will need an emergency hospital trip
I now manically counter these in my preparations for hubby to go away. There's a mad scramble each and every time we find out he's leaving; a frantic checking off of “to do” and bucket list items, to get our lives in order before he's gone and we're left to the mercy of Murphy!
With every year that passes, I think to myself “surely this is the year that the lead up to each trip away will be peaceful, restful and full of memorable moments”. Sure enough though, the first weeks or months long absence of the year rolls around and there we are, cleaning, shopping and prepping just as frantically as ever.
We start timing everything backwards from his departure date; it becomes the axis on which the whole family precariously pivots for weeks as we map out all the events (children’s birthdays, family days, health appointments and admin deadlines) that we need to squeeze in before the dreaded goodbye.
Before he leaves: we methodically check that everything mechanical and electrical is in good working order, take care of the yard, find emergency contacts for car & appliance maintenance, defend our home against non-human invasion by whatever means necessary, make sure there's someone to be with me or watch the children at home if one of us needs the hospital, fill the freezer, take care of outstanding health appointments and have as many family days/family photos as we can.
Those last weeks always zip by in a blur of green camo laundry loads, couple chats over the duffel bag packing, frantic freezer cooking and late night errands to stock up on “that one thing I didn't think to buy already, but will almost definitely need at the most inconvenient time” (read as: during the middle of the night while a child is having a crisis and every shop is closed!).
Some of the most bizarre and trying things I've had to navigate while solo parenting four little people include: a long bout of water borne sickness from contaminated drinking water, a mouse infestation, a washing machine that spontaneously blew up, one child being shocked by an electric fence and another being bitten in their sleep by a sick and disoriented mouse…and these are just a few in a long, exhausting list!
The list of truly terrifying things you might have to navigate without your other half is endless, but there are a few preparations that take a little of the stress out of the unknown. These are some of the preparations that take priority in our family, to ease my mind just a little before our serving member leaves…
1] Prioritise family time: we plan and chart on the calendar a last family day or two for before he leaves and an event for when he gets back … if it's only been a few weeks, we'll just have a family party at the dinner table - if he's been gone six months, we'll go on a week long family trip to reconnect once he returns. Planning these couple of things gives us memories to cling onto until he returns and a joyful family reunion to dream of while he's away.
2] Emotional prep: the kids sense the tide's about to change long before we announce that daddy is leaving again. As a family, we have age-appropriate conversations about where daddy is going, what he's doing and what that will look like for us. We let them ask all the questions and we prepare for the inevitable emotional outbursts, beginning the moment he walks out the door. Acknowledging that the clinginess, tears and bedtime fears are coming, helps me parent with a little more grace when the storm hits.
3] Prioritise health: all those health appointments that get pushed to the background while I'm busy solo parenting our little ones become top priority in those precious days and weeks that he's home! We schedule all the medical, dental and allied health checks for me (and the children if possible!) before he leaves so we can rest a little easier once he's gone, knowing that we have a clean bill of health.
4] Maintenance check (house & car): it takes a load off knowing that the car tyres are in good shape, roadside assistance is paid for, the house has adequate security, the yards are tidy, we've treated for pests and any little outstanding maintenance jobs around the house are taken care of before hubby leaves. Of course, sourcing and compiling a list of emergency contractors is helpful as well should the worst happen to the car or any items inside the house while he's gone!
5] “Just in case” prep: Holy chaos Batman! The list of disasters waiting to happen (and let's face it; they do wait for your partner to be away!) when you're solo parenting any number of little people is utterly overwhelming sometimes. Everything from severe gastro, to antibiotic requiring infections, to broken bones, pregnancy emergencies, animal or insect bites and household accidents are just part and parcel of parenting in general, but I swear they all pile up vindictively and wait to jump out and yell “surprise!” when my husband leaves. Almost 5 years and 4 kids into this lifestyle, let's say I've learned to expect the unexpected … but all things said - while I can't control what happens and when, I can definitely up my preparedness for emergency scenarios.
We have a next-level stock of first aid supplies and over the counter pharmaceuticals in various places around the house in case of after hours illness or injury. I'm confident in first aid & CPR (although in dire need of updating those qualifications!) and we've prepped the big kids as best we can (in an age appropriate way) on how to handle emergency scenarios like a house fire or severe storm.
As much as I'd like to think I can “handle it all”, the stark reality is that in the case of an emergency - without my husband - I can't physically help all four children at once. My oldest two children are 6 and 9 and while they know the chances of such a scenario ever happening are slim, they've been shown how to get out of the house in an emergency and know where to meet and wait for me if they have to leave the house for safety.
Lastly: phone numbers, phone numbers, phone numbers!!! Don't wait until that emergency scenario crops up out of nowhere to start thinking “who do I call?”. Whatever your age, stage of life and number of dependents, I encourage you to make sure you have your partner's unit duty officer & duty chaplain numbers - as well as those of a trusted neighbour or two, in case of an emergency. I know it sounds awkward as all heck to get to know neighbours and ask for a number in case of emergency, but there are so many civilian families in defence heavy neighbourhoods and communities that would jump at the chance to support yours in an emergency (or if you're lucky - your neighbours might just be Defence too!). On the chance you live somewhere where this is just not going to happen; dive into your local defence partner facebook group or the community centre on base, or even just get to know the unit chaplain; religious or not - they are for you!! They can be such a source of comfort and practical help when something goes really wrong and there's no chance of your partner being around to help.
If you're really going through the wringer at the moment, shoot me an email - I'd love to chat over a virtual cuppa. Chances are I've been in your shoes, or at least can relate, and while I'm not the person to contact in an emergency (that would be the 24/7 Open arms line for mental health concerns, the Aus wide 24/7 nurse helpline for non-emergency health scenarios or 000 for medical emergencies) … I am a Defence wife and mama walking the walk and I'd love to support you in yours ❤️
