I Wish I'd Known This Before Becoming a Defence Wife: How To Find a New Normal After Your Partner Leaves With The Military
A lot of books are involved in surviving my husband's military absences when I become solo mama to four little ones! Image by Canva
Preface:
Welcome to part 6 of my 10 part series: “I wish I'd known this before becoming a Defence wife!” {you can find parts 1 through 5 here!} These 10 huge adjustments of each year in the life of a Defence wife and Military mama massively caught me off guard in my first year of Defence wife life. I didn't expect to find some of these moments so emotional, so overwhelming, so exhausting or so difficult to navigate {click here for my family's military backstory!}.This is what I didn't have anyone to tell me about before I began my first year of ADF Army wife life … I hope it helps you feel just a little more at ease about the changes to come!
Defence Wife Diaries: The first days alone…
Prior to military life; I was no stranger to my husband leaving for two, four or six week work stints in a different part of the country - yet - I was completely unprepared for the blur of emptiness and sadness that those first days would bring after he became an ADF officer and the absences started coming hard and fast (often unexpectedly and with a hefty dose of secrecy around locations and timeframes thrown in for good measure).
Oftentimes he’d be whisked away to the airport by a waiting Uber, in the dead of night (while our kids were still sleeping), with scarce time for a goodbye and only a vague indication of when he would return or how many times we'd hear from him while he was away.
Whether it's the first or fifteenth time that you've waved them goodbye, there's really nothing that prepares you for that shift … where you go from being a ‘we’ to a ‘me’.
There's something so concrete about not being able to contact them whenever you feel like it. Not knowing whether a text or missed call will take 24 hours or a week to respond to and not knowing whether they're close enough to be by your side within 6 hours in case of emergency - or whether it would take them 4 modes of transport and three days to get home (leaving you utterly and completely alone in one of the hardest times of your life) lends such a finality to the transition from life shared side-by-side; to being the sole, decision making adult in the home.
These days, my philosophy when he's away is: keep commitments light and schedules tight! The kids and I enter survival mode; but we try to survive in style ;)
I don't expect to want to be the life of the party, or even make an appearance at someone else's party for those first days after he leaves … but by running a tight ship and keeping routines … life is survivable, dare I say; even enjoyable while he is away (even if we are still grieving his absence).
In that first week or so, you'll find moments and routines that spark joy in your life and keep you focused while you're holding down the fort alone. Once you find them; grab them and hold on like your life depends on it! Keep working out, keep making progress on that hobby you never have time for when he's home, keep on top of the household chores (so you don't max out on mind clutter when you're already at emotional capacity!), treat yourself to the favourite foods you never eat because they're not his style and enjoy all the movies he'd never sit through - but don't beat yourself up if you need to have a cry and eat cereal for dinner the day that he leaves (or the next!).
It's in this process of learning to juggle decisions, daily moments and the emotional weight of missing your man - that the challenge of finding your new normal begins.
Redefining normal…my take on solo Defence wife life:
Finding a new normal as a military spouse doesn't mean forgetting your partner, or pretending nothing has changed. It's about revising routines, adopting a new mindset and adapting to the new (with whatever coping mechanisms you can get your hands on), so that you can live life to the fullest, while still looking forward to his return!
What that has looked like for me over 5 years as an army wife and 30 or so months spent alone with our four kids:
Quote by Jessica: ADF Wife and writer of Misadventuresofamilitarymama.com
Setting my own rhythm - without hubby's work schedule dictating our evenings and weekends, our days have much more of a flow to them when he's not here! I actually really enjoy having predictable days when we know exactly what time we'll sit and eat dinner, exactly what time each kid will be tucked into bed and how much time I’ll have to work on hobbies and projects of my own before I turn in each night too! Sure there are still plenty of emotional moments when we miss what was … but choosing to set our own pace and find our own groove without him (rather than attempting to replicate what we have when he's here); makes our days really fun.
Focusing on what I CAN control - Military life is fraught with uncertainty and the ADF family journey is no exception. I have zero control over whether he calls or if he'll be extended, but what I can control is how I spend my time, who I connect with and what goals I accomplish while he's away. Typically hubby's ‘away stints’ are when household projects are finished; I paint, read, buy and build new furniture or begin a little DIY, work my way through my must-watch bucket list, make new friends and explore new hobbies.
Make home the place to be - By choice, the kids and I spend a lot of time at home together when my husband is away, so we work hard to make home the most inviting and comforting space we possibly can, for the long months when we really haven't much emotional energy to tackle all the things we usually would. We invite people into our space a lot, but don't get out and about nearly as much as we normally would; the emotions around our serving member's absence wreaks havoc on all of our sleep habits and at least one of our four little ones struggles with severe anxiety, so we spend a lot of slow, intentional days together - connecting, working as a team and resting weary hearts and minds over the months that he is gone. It’s for this purpose of being able to pull together, support one another and actively pursue interests that are restful and healing for our minds and bodies that we have chosen to homeschool our little ones in this season, but for the busy working mamas and families who have little ones in daycare or school … You can absolutely still choose to slow down the pace of life and be a little extra-intentional with emotional check-ins while your partner is away. For the years when our children attended school, we used a lot of educational books, therapeutic websites and mindfulness resources to check in with our kids during their downtime at home and spend some intentional time helping them to process their feelings around their dad's absence. If you're interested in learning about these resources - read my blog post: “How to help kids with anxiety; tips for Defence families and frequent movers”) - your days will look a little different to ours, but you'll find what works for you!
Make this your new Military wife motto:
If you're a military wife who will shortly plunge into the first (or even fifteenth) absence of your serving member, take this with you; You are stronger than you think and you are enough!
If you're ever tempted to think that you aren't brave enough to spend months alone, or you couldn’t possibly meet your kids needs while your partner is gone - I promise you, you'll figure this out. Sure, there'll be tears, tantrums and a couple more breakdowns than you think (some yours, some theirs!) … but together, you'll find a beautiful new rhythm and get really good at finding joy in little moments. I've always said - I've never met a group of people more capable of being present and living in the moment than Military families; we're painfully aware of just how quickly circumstances can change. In a fraction of a minute - our entire world can turn upside down; but for all its hardships - we learn resilience and fierce independence and we learn to love our families and neighbours like never before ❤️
In my family; our faith in God is instrumental to us navigating each absence, each posting process and each relocation journey with grace, patience and a whole lot of love … if you want to read a little more about my journey with God … you can head to my faith vs fear blog page where I weigh my military life anxieties against my beliefs and write a little about why I choose faith when life gets hard!
As always,
I wish you the absolute best in your Defence journey and feel free to reach out by email or social media - I'd love to hear from you! Bye for now ...
Jessica xo
